The Drive I Almost Didn't Come Back From

World Suicide Prevention Day is observed every year on the 10th of September, to raise awareness and reduce the stigma around mental health and suicide.

I've wanted to write about this for a while. I just never had the courage.

The Weight of Being Strong

I think there's a stigma among men that says we have to keep quiet about how we're feeling, about our mental health. We're supposed to be the hunters and gatherers, the providers, the husbands and fathers who stay strong, even when internally we're falling apart.

The Drive

At various points in my life, the thought of ending it all has crossed my mind. Things felt like too much. The people I loved most were sometimes the ones who caused me the most pain, and that pain drove me to these kinds of thoughts.

Once I went down that dark spiral, things that would seem absurd with a clear mind started to feel real. I catastrophised everything, imagined the worst outcomes, saw the worst in people, and it just kept getting darker.

I remember one time I went for a drive thinking I wouldn't come back, because that day it had all gotten too much. My faith is what stopped me from taking that final step.

After that, I remember just writing my thoughts out, in poetry, in journals, in mind maps. I started breaking the problems down, and that made things feel manageable again.

Writing My Way Back

It's one of the reasons I built InnerSight. Initially it was just for me. But I noticed that getting my thoughts out of my head and onto paper, or into my notes app, helped enormously. Problems that felt enormous shrank the moment they were actually on the page.

I learned that as a man, I don't have to suffer in silence if I can write things down. I can spend time and money on myself, and do things for myself, rather than always putting myself last.

One of the Strongest Men I Knew

I think of one person in particular who showed me the power of Jiu Jitsu.

I'd moved from London to Ipswich after finishing my Master's and starting a new job. I'd done MMA and No Gi BJJ for a bit about four years earlier, but had stopped training. I joined a new club to get back into it, and was paired with him for my first sparring match.

I was around 100kg, he was maybe 60kg, and I remember thinking I was going to wreck this guy. About 20 seconds later I was caught in a triangle. Then another triangle. Then an armbar. After that I fell in love with Jiu Jitsu and saw what a powerful art it really was.

He was always helping people improve and push themselves, and he was an amazing guy to know. He had a young family and was married. To me, he seemed to have it all.

Then, during COVID, he took his own life.

When I found out, I was in shock. I spoke to our coach about what had happened, and it was just insane to think about. But then again, as someone who has been through dark thoughts and spiralling myself, I know how well we can fool everyone into thinking we're fine. We're strong. Don't worry about us. But internally, there can be a dark shadow pulling us down, wanting to end it all.

In that moment, I truly wished he had talked to someone, or let it out, whether at BJJ, at the gym, or to anyone at all. Maybe one conversation could have prevented this. Maybe writing it down, or getting therapy, could have stopped it. But it was too late.

To the Men Reading This

So for this World Suicide Prevention Day, and especially to the men reading this, I want to say: it's okay to talk. It's okay to not always put yourself last, and you can still be a good husband, father, son, brother, uncle, or cousin. You have a right to look after yourself, to be what you need to be, and to have good mental health. Because when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up.

Have faith. Talk to your friends. Journal your thoughts. Smile, even when you don't want to, because things do eventually get better. If you're not here, it's the people you love most who are left broken. The adventures and happiness that were waiting for you never happen. The people you could have helped are left without you.

This is part of why I built InnerSight. To give men in particular a place to talk, to get their thoughts out safely, to get feedback from something that doesn't judge. But if it's not this app, then use whatever tool helps you. Children without fathers. Parents without their sons. Wives without their husbands. It leaves a trail of trauma that never fully heals.

So, with all my heart, please talk to someone. Write it down. Go for a walk. Look after yourself. Love yourself. Because the world will always be a better place with you in it than without you.

And to everyone else, please check in on your loved ones. Let's work together to prevent suicide.